I'll customize it later, right?

The title of this blog is a play on the title of an old one of mine, now long since lost.

It was dreaming in.. Orange, maybe?  I used to see things in my dreams in a color somewhere past orange - I once saw a cup of jellow nearly that shade, but the truth is it doesn't exist in the real world, just in my head - and it was desperately important..  I titled a blog "Dreaming in Orange".

Well, the truth is I've never dreamed a lot - I know some of it's a lack of peace in my own head, but I also know a lot of it is just me..  I need to be either very, very settled or very unsettled in order to dream much.  It's OK that I don't - (another truth is that I ramble and ramble, unchecked I can go on far too long) but I know now that I don't really dream with that color any more.

Watch now, though - I feel a sense of loss rising and might just dream in it soon - but there's a reason for that.  It's linked to those grand, sweeping, wild hopes of a younger, frankly rather foolish time.  It's my philisopher's stone and my fairy gold all in one.  Which is a shame, because I believe I'll someday see heaven and it will be that color - Well, at first.  I mean..  That color is what I hope heaven feels like.  After I've seen it for a bit, I think I'd learn to see real colors in it again..  But at first?  Heaven would be my very own, gorgeous orange.

But, now, I dream and think in the clear.  I've grown up.  I may fall in love, but it's more cautious and considered (at least I'd like to think), and while it may not go well, at least I know better than to think some girl will be able to fill all the places in my life that aren't right.

Now I know that falls largely to me.  A happy life is a well tended one, in many small ways..  And many large as well.  And so I dream in the clear, or try to.  I dream in every color, and I love a life that is varied and often  strange.  I wish I had a love in that life - a person I could give myself to in the manner I wish - but I don't.  Instead, I have loves, family, and friends.  It is good, and wonderful...  And a bit frustrating.

This blog is going to be me writing about it.  A certain friend - who I will probably eventually send this to - inspired me to make this anonymous, and so it will be.